matsuaurore: (Default)
matsuaurore ([personal profile] matsuaurore) wrote2017-04-01 03:02 pm

If you say so (Chapter 4)

Title: If you say so
[ profile] matsuaurore
Banner: [ profile] lilisan31 <3
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ohmiya, Sakumoto
Genre: Au, angst, romance, drama
Summary: Nino and Ohno were living a life full of happiness and love until Nino ran away for a mysterious reason, leaving only a letter to his boyfriend who was decided to pursue him until the end of the world.


Part 4:
When you look at yourself in a mirror
And you want to break it,
It’s not the mirror you have to break
But yourself you have to change…

“I bet it didn’t go well…” A soft voice sighed.

“Not really. I know I’m an idiot and I have to move on but I just can’t. Even after his cruel words; I can’t even hate him. Why?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“I don’t understand him. What he says has no sense…”

“Come with me.” Jun said and turned around to join his car. The singer obeyed, not really knowing what to do anymore. Ohno sat in the car next to him, Jun staring at the wheel as if he was dealing with something.

“I always thought I didn’t have the right to go against Nino’s decisions. I agreed when he decided to leave you like that even if I was against it. I was unfair with you because I knew everything and still, I didn’t tell you. But he needed me and I couldn’t betray him… I’m thinking about it for a long moment. Some weeks ago, I have decided to see you and tell you everything but fate was quicker and brought you here. It’s the sign I was waiting for. This mess has to stop and if Nino doesn’t want to stop it, I’ll do it myself even if it means losing him.”

“I don’t understand…” Jun smiled sadly and put a file on Ohno’s knees.

“Read that and I’ll answer to your questions after.”

The singer opened it and frowned.



“Okay.” Ohno stared at the papers for some minutes before looking at Jun. “I’m lost. Retinitis pigmentosa?”

“It’s Kazu’s medical file. Do you remember his accident three years ago?”

“Yes… but he was fine…”

“He lied to you. He didn’t faint on the road. His vision blurred and he didn’t see the red fire.”

“Why did he lie for that?”

“Nino had problems with his eyes since a long time. Sometimes, his vision blurred and he wasn’t able to see anything. He thought it was because of his job, he spent so many hours in front of his computers… That’s why I gave him a break. But the day of his accident, the doctors made him pass some tests and they discovered he was suffering of this illness.”

“What does it mean exactly?”

“This illness is very rare and genetic. The person loses her sight progressively and ends blind…”

“Eh???? But Kazu is fine! He…”

“Didn’t you wonder why he always wears sunglasses? Why his apartment lacks of furniture or why he has


“Tsuki is a guide dog.”

Tsuki is special… Ohno remembered Nino’s words.

“Nino is blind. He wears his sunglasses because light is painful for his eyes.”

“But he seems normal…”

“It was hard… After he told me the truth three years ago, I made lots of researches to help him, I found an association that helps people like him. They helped me to get him a dog and he took lots of lessons to be able to live as normally as possible. It was hard, losing his sight as time passed was unbearable….”

“When did he…”

“Become completely blind? One year ago. People with this illness become blind slowly but for Kazu, it was very quick…”

“But why did he leave me? I could have helped him, I would have still loved him…”

“Don’t you understand?” Jun smiled sadly. “You were an idol, full of success. Hiding your homosexuality and relationship was already very hard but with his illness… And Nino didn’t want to become a burden… Taking care of someone who becomes blind is not easy. The person has to learn how to live again. And has to accept the illness itself. Nino didn’t want you to give up on your dreams for him and I can understand that but his decision was unfair, the decision had also to be yours.”

“Yes. I had the right to know…”

“That’s why I’m telling you. Now, you can also decide what you want to do.”

“Thank you, Jun…”

“Remember how hard it’s for him. Losing all your landmarks, the things you loved is painful… he can be harsh but it’s because he suffers a lot. I try to help him as much as possible but he is very lonely… He has Aiba who is wonderful and helps him so much but it doesn’t replace the person you love more than anything…”

“I saw his piano and guitar, does he still play?”

“No. I thought it would help him a lot in the acceptance of his illness, but this baka refuses to touch it. Maybe because he doesn’t want to play for someone else than you or because he is too scared …”

“I’ll try to make him accept me then, like a friend.”

“He loves you. He left because he loves you, even if it was stupid…”

“I know now but… My life is different, Jun, I have a family that I love, a son to take care of… Kazu and I will never be the same than before but a part of me still loves him and I want to be here for him, like a friend…”

“What a waste… But good luck.”

Ohno smiled and left the car, for the first time in three years, he felt lighter, because now, there were answers to his questions. Now, he could put a word on Nino’s action three years ago. Ohno wasn’t sure if his ex-lover would accept to welcome him in his life again but he would do everything to convince him.

“Yes?” Nino opened his door when Ohno rang and now Jun had told him everything, the singer could clearly see Nino’s blindness. The gamer didn’t seem to know who was ringing and Tsuki was stuck against his thigh, certainly checking if it wasn’t a suspicious person.

“It’s me.”

“I can see that, thanks. What do you want?”

“Can I come in, I want to tell you something very important…”

Nino bit his lip, certainly debating with himself if it was a good or bad idea before nodding.

“Do you want some tea?”

“Yes, thanks.” Ohno stared at everything in the apartment and yes, all was made to make Nino’s life easier. Everything was perfectly tidy, a white can hidden against the main table. “Do you want some help?” Ohno wanted to get the truth out of his mouth but Nino was a good liar and was very good to act like a normal person.

“No, it’s just a cup of tea.” Nino chuckled nervously when Ohno leaned against the door to look at him.

“Your apartment is great, very spacious, as if everything had its place.”

“I made some progresses, ne?” Nino joked.

“Yes, you weren’t someone who cleaned a lot.” The singer sighed. “Look at me…” Ohno grabbed his arm to turn him around and raised his hand to take the sunglasses but Nino slapped his hand.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Then, stop acting like a child! You look ridiculous with these sunglasses when there isn’t any sun!!! Or is it a new fashion to wear sunglasses everywhere?”

Nino jumped, making the teapot fall, burning his fingers.


“Are you okay??” Ohno grabbed his fingers delicately to put it under the cold water.

“Yes… Sorry…” Nino blushed when Ohno stroked his fingers.



“Jun told me.”

Nino paled and moved back, shaking.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“When will you stop lying and running away?” Ohno grabbed his hand.

“Let me go!”

“No. Running away from me is over, Kazu. Let me see.”

“No! Please!” Nino tried to push him away, panicked.

“Trust me for once in your life.” Ohno stroked his cheek and when the gamer stopped to struggle, slowly
took the sunglasses to take it off. Ohno’s heart tightened when his eyes met Nino’s. They were staring at the gap, covered of a light coating and tears leaving it. “Kazu…” Ohno pulled him in a tight hug, stroking his hair. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I…” Nino sank his fingers in his back, crying loudly.

“I could have helped you to get through that. I don’t care if you see or not, I love you with or without your sight.”

“I didn’t want to mess up your life. It was already hard to deal with the media but becoming blind was going to complicate your life even more.”

“I would have chosen you, Kazu.”

“And it’s why I left. I didn’t want you to choose. You love your job and I was going to become a burden, completely dependent of you. I still don’t accept my state and I can be very harsh with my friends, I refused to become horrible with you. Jun and Aiba have been very patient with me, I was cruel when they wanted to help me, I rejected them a lot…”

“I would have accepted to be rejected, it’s a normal reaction, Kazu. Who would be happy to become blind? Who would stay the same person than before with such a handicap? No one. It takes time to accept this loss…”

“I’m so sorry for leaving you like that…”

“It’s okay, now, the past is the past…”

“Ohchan…” Nino hugged him tighter. “I love you…”

“Kazu… I will never ask you to be my boyfriend again. As cruel as it sounds, I have a wife and a son I love, I moved on even if your start never let me in peace and still hurts me. But I want to be by your side, to be your friend. I need you in my life, Kazu, even if it’s not like before…”
Nino pulled away, ‘staring’ at him with pain, tears rolling down his cheeks like a waterfall but forced a smile and nodded.

“I have to accept I have lost you and it’s because of me… Okay, if you want… We will at least, be friends…”

“Don’t cry Kazu… I hate seeing you crying… I’m so sorry for not being able to be with you but…”

“I understand. Don’t worry. I would never ask you to leave your wife that you love and your precious son.”

“I never planned to have this kind of life. I wasn’t in love with Suzuka and we agreed to break-up but… Two months later, she called me, crying and telling me she was pregnant with my child… I couldn’t let her, I had to take my responsibilities…”

“You don’t have to tell me that, you don’t owe me anything…”

“I want to… I didn’t really want children, but with my son, I discovered another part of myself… I’m a good father, I love him, and he needs me…”

“I know…” Nino turned his head away, biting his lip not to burst into tears, his heart aching painfully.

“Can you tell me more about your life during these three years? I want to know everything.”

“It’s not very interesting…”

“Tell me.”

“Still stubborn, ne?”

“Yup.” Ohno laughed.

Nino chuckled and walked slowly toward his sofa, Tsuki sitting on his knees to get his caresses.

Three years ago…

“What do you think about it?”

“It’s perfect. I’ll have to become familiar with it while I’m still seeing something.” Nino sighed, staring at his new apartment.

“I’ll stay with you at the beginning to help you.”


“You’ll need my help, Kazu. You’ll have your lessons but you will need help for casual things in the beginning.”

“I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.”

“I’m your friend, I’m here for you. Take a shower, your first lesson starts tomorrow morning and we’ll visit the town after.”


Nino stayed under the hot water for a long time, crying silently. His eyes made him suffer so much, light was becoming painful and the gamer couldn’t accept the fact that soon, the only thing he would see would be darkness. “I have to be strong… I already miss you so much Satoshi…” The gamer raised his palm, sobbing as his view was already a bit blurry. In several months or years, he would not even be able to count how many fingers he had.

The afternoon, Jun brought him to the association he had contacted some weeks ago. Everybody was kind but meeting them meant another step toward his blindness and Nino was unable to make a smile. The gamer started his lessons the next day, followed by Aiba, the man Jun talked about a lot. Aiba was a wonderful person, kind, patient and with a big heart. He tried to deal with patience with Nino’s swing mood as his sight was progressively lowering, trying to teach him as many things as possible while the younger was still able to see. They should have become very good friends but Nino always rejected him, not able to bear his presence and advices that made him remember that soon, all the colors of the world would become completely black.

“You’ve made a mistake here. You read ‘be quiet’ instead of ‘be careful’.” Aiba said softly.

“Well, it doesn’t matter, it’s not like I’ll read from now on.” Nino replied.

“Nino… Learning Braille is very important. It will help you to fill the administration’s papers and other essential things… and reading a book is pleasurable…”

“And what will I read??!!! Have you ever seen manga written in Braille??? Have you ever seen the most famous books written in Braille??!!! And I don’t need to read! I just need my sight back!!!” Nino yelled, standing to leave but hitting a bag on the ground and falling painfully.


“Don’t touch me!!! I’m not impotent, I can stand up by myself!!”

“And you, stop rejecting everybody! You’re egoist! You’re not the only one in this state and there are always worst situations than yours!!”

“Then, why do you help me?” Nino replied with a sob. “Why don’t you go annoying someone else? You will never understand what I’m going through anyway.” Nino grabbed his white can and left without being careful.

“Nino! Wait, not this way! There are the…” But before Aiba could stop him, Nino fell in the stairs with a cry of pain. The older ran toward him and lifted him in his arms. “Are you okay???”

“Do I look okay?” Nino replied, crying silently.

“You’re so stubborn… Baka…” Aiba laid him on a sofa to look at the damages. “You’re lucky you will only have a bruise…”

“Yatta! Lucky me.” Nino sneered.

“I know what it is despite what you think.” Aiba said calmly.

“You’re blind? Congratulations, I haven’t seen it!”

“When I was twenty, my parents had a car accident.” Aiba said. “I was with them and my little brother. We were at a wedding and it was late when we went home. A drunken man’s car hit ours. My parents died immediately…”

“I…” Nino bit his lip.

“My brother and I were alive but pretty injured. I have spent two years in a wheelchair. I thought I would never walk again…”

“And your brother?”

“He was fine. Or at least, wasn’t in my state. But this accident made him lose his sight. I was so desperate… I wanted to die, I had lost my parents, I was in a wheelchair and my little brother was blind. What did I do to deserve such a fate? But I realized that if I gave up and cried over my fate, my brother would be left alone with nothing and I would still stay in this fucking wheelchair. It’s what gave me the will to fight. I decided despite the doctors’ pessimism, that I would walk again, that nothing would stop me to take care of my brother. It was hard and very very painful. I think I have never cried as much as this period of my life. Doctors thought I was crazy, unrealistic or that I couldn’t accept my state but I didn’t care. I wanted to walk and I would walk. For my brother who needed me. It took me two years of fight. I was working everyday with my psychotherapist who believed in me.”

“It’s incredible…”

“I just couldn’t cry over my state all my life.”

“And now, you take care of your brother or is he living by himself?”

Aiba looked at garden through the window with sadness.

“Unfortunately, no.”

“He refuses your help? Like me?”

“He is dead.” Aiba smiled sadly.


“He was younger when our parents died and he never overcame it. Being blind also put an end to his dream to become a cook. I tried to help him, I even brought him to a psychologist but my brother was fragile. And one day, I found him on the ground of our kitchen in a pool of blood. He had cut his veins. It was too late when I discovered him, he was already dead.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault.” Aiba wiped his tears. “He wasn’t strong enough to confront our new life with me. After his death, I had three choices. I could kill myself like he did, I could become alcoholic or whatever would help me to forget my pain or I could…”

“Help people like him…”

“Yes. I found this association who needed help. I had some money with my parents’ life assurance, so, I gave them a part of it and I started to work with them. Because I refused to let ‘another Yusuke’ die.”

“You’re incredible… I look so ridiculous, complaining like a child when you have faced worst things.”

“Don’t compare us. I didn’t tell you my story for that. I also don’t need your pity. What I want you to understand is that life is precious and even if what you go through is hard and painful, the only person able to make you happy again is yourself and no one else. You can cry, you can yell, you can even throw everything at my face but don’t refuse my helps. Being blind is so unfair and hard but I can swear you that even without your sight, you will be able to discover other beautiful and happy things if you fight.”

“I’m not strong enough… I’m not like you.”

“Luckily! Everybody is different and it’s a good thing. But deep inside, you have a hidden strength that will make you realize miracles if you find it and use it. You are stronger than you think, Nino. Be more confident, accept to rely on me and you will see, one day your life will be paint of the most beautiful colors of the world and this day, you won’t need your eyes to see it because everything happens here.” Aiba put his hand on Nino’s chest. “Being blind will let you discover things that only people like you can see.”

“How can I do not to break down? How did you do?”

“To be honest, I cried a lot. I also yelled. You will need to free the pain in your heart. Keeping everything inside will only destroy you. And make friends. It can seem stupid but when you are going through painful things, having friends to rely on is very important. The problem isn’t the pain itself. The pain makes you suffer but doesn’t destroy you. The problem is the loneliness that pain brings. It’s this loneliness that kills you slowly, that builds a wall between you and the world. It’s this loneliness that awakes the worst things inside you. That’s why you have to escape to it. And you will have to fight against the biggest enemy of your life. You. Because you will be the only one who will want to give up, that’s why everyday, you will have to fight against this dangerous enemy.”

Nino smiled sadly and nodded.

“I can’t promise I’ll be a great friend but… I can promise that I will fight and will be brave…”

“That’s a deal?” Aiba grinned, holding out his hand.

“No.” Nino chuckled, taking his hand. “That’s vow.”

“I prefer you like that! Now, we can really start to work!”

“Thank you, Aiba… For everything…”

“Don’t thank me now, I’m going to make your life a hell!” Aiba laughed.

“Will this hell bring me happiness?”

“I swear it will.” Aiba hugged him tightly. “And one day, you will be able to face proudly the persons you love and you need.”

To be continued…    

A/N: So, omedetou for the two readers who found out that Nino was blind xD Now, you understand why he left, I think it was understandable even if it was unfair for Ohchan… Ohno is famous, dealing with their hidden relationship was already hard and Nino didn’t want to be a burden (you also know how Japanese are with that, they are always scared to be a burden for the others). So, things are complicated because of Ohno’s family but Nino and him will get closer as our dear riida wants to be close to Nino at least like a friend J Let’s see how thing will turn ;)
And for Aiba, I don’t know if I have to write his past from his POV, so, if you want to know more him and how he could fight so much, tell me and I’ll include his past life in the next chapter :D
See you next week, comments are deeply <3, even the short ones <3

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